This sweet round face came into the world of Sam and myself. Beautiful and tragic are the two words I choose to describe that day. When they brought her into me I was half awake, loaded and exhausted but I still came draw that memory from the depths of my mind in an instant like it was yesterday. Why I will never be able to explain. Only that maybe quite possibly the Lord gave me that memory so clearly to erase the tragic circumstances that Sam and I would endure those next 6 weeks.Every year I have vivid memories that fly through my mind throughout this day of who I saw, what some whispered into my broken heart and what hands of comfort were laid upon me that day. Just 8 hours after giving birth to this precious girl, she left me, along with her dad and grandparents to San Francisco for emergency surgery. So as I was beginning to say hello and introduce myself to this sweet girl of mine, I so quickly had to say goodbye for now. I was so broken. Torn from the inside out. Literally.
We made it through 6 excruciating weeks there in that hospital. While wonderful nurses, doctors and social worker put my daughter and myself back together. Sam and I grew a great deal up there together too. We were all we had for that time. It was our own beautiful chaos together.
But there was something that experience took from me that only until recently I think I might be on my way to getting back. With the help of Jesus, He is helping restore in me my mothering to Carys. See, when you separate a mother from her child, immediately after birth, it alters something. Changes you. Not forever but for a time. I was changed from that. Maybe not every mom goes through this but I did. And at one point of my life, I felt like throwing in the towel and giving into it. The feeling of helpless detachment from your child. I could not understand it or begin to explain it then. I was depressed and alone. And no one understood.
But if you know me at all, it's not my style to give up. I'm a toughy.And I have never taken those feeling lightly. So I have rolled my sleeves up and got on my knees...
So now I look into these baby blues today (yesterday) and I am humbled, grateful beyond words for this chance to start fresh. I love Carys so much but I am on my way to being set free from the bondage that separated me demonstrating that love years ago until now.
Happy birthday my sweet girl. You are precious in the sight of the Lord and I am only humbly honored to be your mom and love you all the days of my life. I pray for your life, your spirit and you. Hope you had a wonderful birthday full of your favorite things and people. Here's to another year in the life of you, my sweetest girl. XOXO mom
2 comments:
As I wipe the tears from my eyes after reading this and remembering that moment in our lives when we were all scared and happy and anxious and joyful. I watched you put on the strongest face and fight through like no other. I wondered why this had to happen to you (us) and as I sometimes do, questioned God and His reasons. But looking back now, I realized that we all had to go through it. Right on down to the precious baby that we held in our arms and begged God to make better as fast as He could. And he did. It made you so much stronger than you already were (how, i dunno thats that wonderful Man upstairs for ya) and made us all stronger people. SO even though she wasnt my baby girl, she IS my baby girl and I will forever be bonded to her. I love you Carys. You are as dear to me as my own Daughter and I couldnt imagine this world without you!!! xoxoxoxo
"Shasha"
ok Tash, as I cry through reading this, You may never know how much your support through that time meant to me. Thank you from the depths of my heart. xo Zo
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