Big Pink elephant

I have been going 90 miles an hour since 'that day' and am beginning to wonder if I will eventually hit a wall. My body is healing, my heart is not. I am so angry I could just scream every five seconds throughout the day. And prob lay still not feel any better. I can not begin to explain whats going on in my head. This is totally different this time. And oh how I can't stand that I am even saying that. 'This time', like I am saying there has been 'a' time before. Well yes, it is what it is I guess. My poor sweet precious family. And my sweet husband. I feel horrible they have to go through this gamete of emotions again. My sweet tender hearted Carys. Her heart is broken. She has been of great comfort and sorrow for me over the past two weeks.Comforting like how I have recognized just how perceptive she is and very quick she is to comfort me.Sorrowful in the way she grasps completely the magnitude of what we lost. She breaks and heals my heart all in the same breathe. And Sam, I wish I knew what he was thinking. I can't even imagine his saddness. All too consumed in my own personal hell to even ponder. However I know his heart is heavy by the way he looks me in my eyes. The way he holds me tight. The way he says Goodnight. Now here comes the rain... It's like I stay mad to keep from crying. Because I know once I start, I can't stop.I know no one knows what to say when this happens, I sure as heck don't. Now I get it. What do you say? What can you say? So I tend lately to fill conversations with nonsense. useless information no one is really asking about or even caring to listen to. Just to keep from becoming silent. I keep going to keep from slowing down and it reminding me what I lost. What our family lost. I am doing it on purpose. It's ridiculous. If my thoughts could speak I would sound like a lunatic.This has got to be one of the loneliest feeling in the world. And I am completely helpless in it.I just thought I would say I am not avoiding the BIG PINK ELEPHANT in the room. I run smack dab into it everyday. Hurdle over it, kick it even. But eventually it does bring me to my knees. And that's here I tend to stay until I get the strength to get up and continue. Thank God for saving my life, giving me the two most beautiful girls in the world, the most tender hearted husband I could ever deserve.And even when I feel like I can't take being racked over the coals one more time, He reminds me through my friends and family just how loved I really am. Thank you (all of you, you know who you are) for sharing such precious words with our family over the past couple weeks. here are just a few things we have held onto during this time and would like to share:

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty..... Pslm91:1-2

Sam&Zoe, I pray you are finding shelter in the Lord and trusting Him w/ your disapointments/heartaches...T.B

Sam&Zoe, Sometimes we don't understand God's plans for us, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger... A.B

Sam&Zoe, I hope you are able to recover physically, emotionally and spiritually in a time that's right for you...C.L

Our Family,Just wish I was closer to give you a big hug. You are all in our thoughts and prayers... C.B

Cast your burdens on the Lord and He will sustain you...Pslm 55:22/Pslm 139

Our family,We are praying, thinking and love you. All we know is your hurting and we are so sorry. K & D P.

So thank you all again very much. We are very lucky to have you all as friends and family and are getting through this together as much as we can.