End of the road..

I got to pick up these hands yesterday @ Carys school for her Art fundraiser. Sam and I ordered some things for the holidays and this was the one we kept for us. I see it now every morning before my coffee and I love it. Along with a post card a GF sent me that says, Housework is evil, it must be stopped! I love that too. (Hi Amanda!)

But I must say it was bittersweet picking her art work up because Carys no longer attends her school. Sam and I together made the choice to pull her about a month ago. Not what I expected to be such a painful choice but it had to be done.

Carys never really got off to a smooth transition from day one. And I believe I failed her as her mom too. I believe this lesson was for me more than her.

You see, I don't give my girls any slack. I'm have many times given them ridiculous expectations for their age and there is no room for error with me. I am hard on them and know it. Why do I do that? Maybe because I get embarrassed by their behavior, or in front of other parents for fear of judgment, I don't really know.At one point even, when I lived in AZ I had a close friend call me out. (HI Linz) And you know a close friend could only call you on your (bleep) when it need be like this. I'll never forget it. We were sitting in my kitchen and the kids were being, well, kids and I think I said something like her boys (whom I adore BTW) just didn't respect her. They yelled at her and all I wanted to do was tell them to respect their mama. You know, lay it down.And I almost remember her word for word when she said yay they do and I want them to listen and respect me and I see the way Carys listens to you but you know what, she's scared of you too. She cowers at you when you scold her and I don't want the boys to do that. My heart sank. Because she was right. And I knew it. But Linz knows my heart and it broke the day I finally got some accountability for my behavior. The rest of the time spent with her was beyond valuable and we call it Boot Camp to this day. ( Meat and Potatoes) But I learned a really tough lesson while she attended school about really really listening to her and figuring out what she was saying without really saying anything. Does that make sense?

Carys had told me for months she was being bullied and I didn't listen. I said everything from find some other kids to play with, play by yourself, don' listen to them, ect. I was so obsessed with making sure other parents teacher and students knew that her treatment toward them was wrong. Exchanging phone numbers with parents, writing apology letters, speaking with the teacher, the list goes on. Let's just say I was ever present at that school. But in the end I missed the point. Even though I know her retaliating was wrong and will always be wrong, the incidents before were still relevant. And sadly were never addressed by parents or teachers. Carys shut down and only in the end did she confide in me about the things that went on those 2 months at school. It was hell for her. And I think I scared her because of my toughness with her from telling me the whole truth. Yuck! That's me not her. It's hard to deny the truth about yourself when it's smacking you in the face over and over again. There's no hiding.

I want my sweet girl to feel safe with me. Know that I will protect her, believe her above anything else. Always. And that change starts with me, not her. That's my job.That's what I want. I have created this horrible habit of being the law here and I am missing a large (hugely important) part of my relationship with her, her safe place. My loving arms.Being her Mom.

So she is home now and re adjusting to life without school. She hardly asks to go back. Maybe she will and maybe she won't. But for now, I am not trying to be her friend, she has plenty of those. But she only has one mom and that's all I want to be for her.